One of the questions I’m routinely asked is, “How do I create a sexually empowered life?” It seems every woman wants one, but it’s a mystery about what it might look like or the steps one needs to take to create it. The #metoo movement has women talking more openly about past sexual traumas and the need for healing in order to have a healthy view of their own sexuality. Having been a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I have found that healing comes in a multitude of ways and over time. Healing is a continual process that feels like an ocean wave washing over you. It’s powerful, yet gentle as it washes away the hurt, pain, and shame from the past and restores a sense of value, beauty and confidence. Allow me to share some of the processes I went through on my journey of creating a sexually empowered life:
Choose your mindset I had to decide to be a victor and not a victim. It took me years of journaling and reflecting on my life experiences and how they molded my view of my sexuality. I dug deep to see how it played out in every aspect of my life, from my weight to having a voice, and, yes, even my ability to have emotionally connected relationships. We are all sexual beings. We are wired to have a connection, but past trauma can cause us to hold back and isolate to be safe. When past traumas aren’t acknowledged, we tend to hide, take the blame and hold on to guilt. We might even believe that we brought the violation(s) on ourselves. This is where we get to choose how we are going to feel morning forward. We have the power to choose the ending to our story. Begin by giving yourself permission to release the emotions that no longer serve you. Choose forgiveness for yourself and your offender. Once you forgive, they can no longer hold power over you. At this point, you can choose who you want to become a sexual being. You get to shed the old beliefs that held you stuck and prevented you from experiencing pleasure and passion in your relationships. It’s never too late for self-discovery, we can choose to evolve and grow in this area of our lives.
Show up for yourself Becoming the sexual being you want to requires developing emotional awareness. Many women who have experienced sexual abuse have people-pleasing tendencies that prevent us from expressing our true wants, needs, and desires. Those voices muddy the waters of our sexual boundaries. It is permissible for you to set and enforce relationship and sexual boundaries. Being authentic and sharing your newly held beliefs about sex, your body and your relationships may take practice, but it’s not impossible to shed those old stifling emotional patterns that held you in limbo. Like any new habit, consistency will rule the day! You might not get it quite right the first time, but the beauty is you get to make changes as you heal and become more confident. Creating a safe space for you to embrace your sexuality will open up new avenues for self-expression.
Body Image Everyone has issues with body image regardless of size, color, shape or gender. Learning to love your body is a key element in feeling sexually empowered. Start to practice radical self-love and gratitude for your body. The more you love and accept your physical body, the more pleasure you’ll be able to experience. Take time to really pamper yourself. Be more intentional about your self-care routines and rituals. Use products that feel luxurious and expensive. Dress in clothing that invites you to feel sexy and beautiful. Use affirmations that feed your soul and embody your future self.
Self-Explorations and Fantasies Up until now, you may have been hiding from exploring your erotic desires. Your beliefs may have held you back from erotic self-discovery. You may have been dissuaded from entertaining fantasies or fully expressing your sexual identity. Give yourself permission to explore what turns you on and gives you pleasure. Just like love languages, we all have preferred ways of giving and receiving pleasure. There is no right or wrong when it comes to expressing our sexual nature and needs. Take time to develop your sexual personality. Learn how to flirt with your lover, experiment with different levels of touch and connection. Don’t be afraid to be creative and explore options like role play, power exchanges, and toys.
Alignment to Your True Self As you build confidence, you will feel in alignment with your inner self. You will begin to attract the type of relationships you want into your life. You will learn to honor yourself in a deeper way that allows you to live a fully expressed life. You will discover that as your sexual energy is nurtured, your inner fire will be fueled. Your life will become more vibrant and joy-filled. Your self-intimacy and self-love will increase your willingness to take risks to uncover deeper levels of your emotional and sexual self.
Choosing to live a sexually empowered life will bring more joy, energy, and vibrancy to your mere existence. Feeling sexy and flirtatious will open up doors for sexual playfulness and discovery that your soul and body have been yearning for. Experiencing pleasure on an emotional, physical, and spiritual level will open up new doors of opportunity to explore a more radical way of expressing yourself more fully and authentically. As your skills improve your confidence will take you to deeper levels of self-reliance to meet your own needs with or without a partner.